There would be a major leap towards peace if we all got better at listening to people whom we disagree with. As I’ve written here before, conflict arises from differences that make us uncomfortable. And there’s a large spectrum of ‘comfort’!
On one side would be completely comfortable where you feel safe and secure. Usually this is in warm, familiar environments and/or with highly familiar people. The other end of the comfort spectrum would basically be fight, flight, or freeze – major fear reactions. Note that ‘fight’, something usually connected with anger, actually arises from fear. This is an excellent piece of writing on how scared we can be about differences and change; so scared that we sometimes act cruelly and violently towards others in deeply unconscious ways.
So when was the last time you talked with someone you really disagreed with? How did that go? Was it a back-and-forth dialogue? Or more of a debate? And what was the emotional climate like?
There is a reason why people tend to hang out with others who are like-minded. It’s way easier and it just feels better!
Being a vegetarian in a group of hunters or a union activist amongst hard-core capitalists might bring up feelings of righteousness, defensiveness, or even aggression. Those feelings don’t usual make us feel very relaxed, willing to open up, or curious. But these last qualities are precisely what are required to make love not war where there is an us-and-them perception.
One of my heroes, Chris Guillebeau, wrote in his first book: “Almost everyone says they are open minded but when it comes down to it most of us are deeply uncomfortable with change.”
Open minded is being able to listen to those who think differently than us. In certain situations it can feel like the other is WRONG in the biggest way, even in a highly dangerous way. It can come down to having the impulse to kill or being terrified they might kill us.
If you ever try to convince someone of your view remember that by doing so you will only further entrench their view. Every time you say ‘but…’ to them, you are being adversarial and argumentative, so that’s the attitude you will get back. It takes a lot of courage to shift our fear of differences to curiosity about differences.
And the number one mistake people make? When letting others air ideas that we have feelings about, we confuse listening to the idea with agreeing with the idea. Listening to opposing views doesn’t have to mean you agree with opposing views! By asking questions that start with ‘what’ and ‘how’ and being genuinely curious about the person who holds the opinion that differs from yours, you will be demonstrating that you are open minded and thoughtful. Validate how the person feels and thinks, and then offer something like, “in my experience…” or “one way I look at it is…” Then you will be actively building the pieces of peace.
